 | Home > Off Topic > Joke of the day ... (beat this) |
 
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| Grenadier Member Since: 23 Jul 2014 Location: The foot of Mont Blanc... Posts: 5889   
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More from the Fringe:
“Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.” "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day." “Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” “I’m not sexist – I’m not! That’s why I let my female workers work longer than the men so they can make the same money.” “You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” “Giving up smoking for 27 years is like wrestling a polar bear, in that it can make you quite tense.” “A funny German comedian? For you, that’s like a Russian human-rights commission.” “Like most liberals, I will do anything for the working classes, anything - apart from mix with them.” “My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” “There’s no Antisemitism in New York. You’d be tired.” “I’ve run this joke past all my black and ethnic-minority friends, and she said it was fine.” On ISIS: “They’re like all villains in history: great at PR; s--t at HR.” “After 50, you have to stop seeing your heart as a muscle and more as an un-exploded bomb.” “Patience is a bit like a toilet-roll – the bigger the arsehole you’re dealing with, the quicker it runs out.” "Umbro is named after what your friends say to you if they see you wearing it." "I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality." “I reckon porn gives kids an unrealistic idea of what it’s like to be a plumber.” Monsieur Le Grenadier I've not been everywhere, but it's on my list..... 2011 Puma 110DC - Corris Grey |
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31st Aug 2015 2:16pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897  
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Jeep driver mentality....
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19th Sep 2015 11:13am |
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| TooTall Member Since: 10 Jul 2012 Location: Fens Posts: 504  
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"A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.
I think it was a Jihaddy long legs." I'll get my coat...  "Ease your worries, Clear-up your woes,
Go into your garage & put stuff into rows." |
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4th Oct 2015 2:30pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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Volkswagen have been working furiously to rectify their emissions problem, this new model should be in the dealers soon.
https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hph...c39467d2b7 Last edited by Laurie on 12th Oct 2015 10:23am. Edited 1 time in total |
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12th Oct 2015 9:13am |
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| Barney12 Member Since: 09 Jun 2015 Location: South West Posts: 744 
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Ah, its one of those delay the punchline to build effect jokes......
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12th Oct 2015 9:58am |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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Is this better?
Volkswagen have been working furiously to rectify their emissions problem, this new model should be in the dealers soon. https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hph...c39467d2b7 |
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12th Oct 2015 10:25am |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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Mis-sold Tdi?
Volkswagen Audi are looking forward to your call. |
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16th Oct 2015 12:46am |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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16th Oct 2015 6:49pm |
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| spudfan Member Since: 10 Sep 2007 Location: Co Donegal Posts: 4805 
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True story.
Some years ago the local council were out tarmacing some roads. An old farmer came around the bend on a bicycle and went straight into the roller. The driver of the roller stopped as quickly as he could jumped down and ran around to the front of the roller expecting the worst. When he reached the front of the roller he saw the farmer lying in a heap but not flattened by the roller. As the driver of the roller helped the farmer up and helped to get the badly damaged bike up the farmer said"Don't worry if there's any damage I'll pay for it". 1982 88" 2.25 diesel 1992 110 200tdi csw -Zikali 2008 110 2.4 tdci csw-Zulu 2011 110 2.4 tdci csw-Masai |
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17th Oct 2015 12:20am |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897
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Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'oh bloody damn!' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi' Jesus... I'm in bloody trouble,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No bloody way....' He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'damn it' and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night '' Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was bloody ****ed. But how did you know?' Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.' |
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17th Oct 2015 11:28am |
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| Venomator Member Since: 25 Aug 2014 Location: Peterborough Posts: 2087
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A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls.” The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" 
 Rog...
The GREEN One... MY2016 Urban Truck Build Thread - http://www.defender2.net/forum/topic40548....al[/color] |
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19th Oct 2015 7:05pm |
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| Lorryman100 Member Since: 01 Oct 2010 Location: Here Posts: 2686 |
Confused???? What is so funny about a blank disc????
Admin note: this post has had its images recovered from a money grabbing photo hosting site and reinstated |
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26th Oct 2015 9:48pm |
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| Barney12 Member Since: 09 Jun 2015 Location: South West Posts: 744
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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27th Oct 2015 8:41am |
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| stanley Member Since: 18 Sep 2009 Location: Dorset /hampshire Posts: 1033 
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Just received an email about the dangers of processed meat , ................I think it's spam
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27th Oct 2015 9:22am |
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