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| K9F Member Since: 12 Nov 2009 Location: Bournemouth Posts: 9610   
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The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists : 1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt. The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday. Fekete...Your go! If you go through life with your head in the sand....all people will see is an ar5e!!
Treat every day as if it is your last....one day you will be right!! |
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6th May 2010 9:05pm |
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| FERDELANCE Member Since: 04 Jan 2010 Location: Highbridge Posts: 33
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Lets Go For Round Two
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" said the redneck. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend. "Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "You're queer, ain't ya?" Friendship is like peeing on yourself, everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. |
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6th May 2010 9:18pm |
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| fekete Member Since: 24 Dec 2008 Location: Here on the other end of the computer Posts: 3626 
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I knew the day would come when men had an answer to Maxine.
Meet Marvin, men's answer to Maxine 
Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. --------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ----------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...' ----------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ---------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. -- -------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ---------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------ Women will never be equal to men Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------ Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and To the select few women who can handle it! AND MAXINE SAYS............'MARVIN'... NEVER TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY. NOBODY GETS OUT ALIVE ANYWAY |
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6th May 2010 9:23pm |
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| K9F Member Since: 12 Nov 2009 Location: Bournemouth Posts: 9610
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MARIJUANA-FILLED FIREWOOD
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes what can I do for you?' ‘I’m calling to report 'bout my neighbour Virgil Smith ...He's hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yep!' 'Happy Birthday, buddy!' (Rednecks know how to git-r-dun). If you go through life with your head in the sand....all people will see is an ar5e!! Treat every day as if it is your last....one day you will be right!! |
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6th May 2010 9:24pm |
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| fekete Member Since: 24 Dec 2008 Location: Here on the other end of the computer Posts: 3626
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Billy-Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy-Bob tells Luther,
'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again.'Luther asks Billy-Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?' Billy-Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Earline with me.' NEVER TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY. NOBODY GETS OUT ALIVE ANYWAY |
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6th May 2010 9:45pm |
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| fekete Member Since: 24 Dec 2008 Location: Here on the other end of the computer Posts: 3626
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A REDNECK LOVE POEM
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE, SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE. SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL, SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO. PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER. SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL. BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.' YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER. BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO' I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER. BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE; YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY. Brings a tear to yer eye, don't it? NEVER TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY. NOBODY GETS OUT ALIVE ANYWAY |
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6th May 2010 9:48pm |
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| K9F Member Since: 12 Nov 2009 Location: Bournemouth Posts: 9610
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Ere Fekete this could be us if we ever hook up in Canada!
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind." One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!" If you go through life with your head in the sand....all people will see is an ar5e!! Treat every day as if it is your last....one day you will be right!! |
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6th May 2010 10:04pm |
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| fekete Member Since: 24 Dec 2008 Location: Here on the other end of the computer Posts: 3626
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Anything is possible K9 with us 2
Se your busy at work NEVER TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY. NOBODY GETS OUT ALIVE ANYWAY |
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6th May 2010 10:12pm |
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| fekete Member Since: 24 Dec 2008 Location: Here on the other end of the computer Posts: 3626
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Rednecks go fishing
Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune! The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?" The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!" NEVER TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY. NOBODY GETS OUT ALIVE ANYWAY |
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6th May 2010 10:15pm |
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| K9F Member Since: 12 Nov 2009 Location: Bournemouth Posts: 9610
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You keeping me company through my nightshift then Fekete?
You know your church is Redneck if.... The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. When they learn that Jesus fed 5000 people with two fish, folks ask whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!) The choir is known as the "OK Chorale". In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. Baptism is referred to as "branding". High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue. The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy. Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink". "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear?" If you go through life with your head in the sand....all people will see is an ar5e!! Treat every day as if it is your last....one day you will be right!! |
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6th May 2010 10:32pm |
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| FERDELANCE Member Since: 04 Jan 2010 Location: Highbridge Posts: 33
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A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Jackson to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.” The man replied, “No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.” The Redneck said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.” Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!” Friendship is like peeing on yourself, everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. |
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7th May 2010 8:58am |
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