 | Home > Off Topic > Ex-Wife Tales! |
 
|
|
|
| K9F Member Since: 12 Nov 2009 Location: Bournemouth Posts: 9610   
|
Seen a few whinges and references on the site about ex-wives, I too have contributed and it gave me an idea about a new thread. I have numerous amusing and not so amusing anecdotes about my experiences and thought I'd share it/them and kick off with this little ditty........
Whilst stationed in Germany I often got to travel to wonderful locations across the globe and quite often spent very little time at home inbetween. Normally just long enough to get my washing and ironing done. As a note here we used to purchase our milk in plastic bags at that time. (UK are just introducing this scheme). I was just putting on my boots at the front door to depart for Las Vegas just having spent three days at home from returning from Verona in Italy. My ex was chop flapping and gum bumping about staying at home whilst I got to travel the globe having a ball. I retorted with a priceless comment that I stand by to this day it went like this....."If you had maybe applied yourself a little harder whilst at school you too could have a worthwhile trade and been in the Services travelling the world instead of being on the same rung of the ladder as a mushroom picker or chicken plucker!" I got the bag of milk hurled at me which missed and exploded on the front door. I didn't even have to clean it as I was off. (Apologies to those mushroom pickers or chicken pluckers that may read this). Got her own back on the divorce settlement.....but that's a different story..... 
Fekete and Disco I just know you two may have something to contribute..... If you go through life with your head in the sand....all people will see is an ar5e!! Treat every day as if it is your last....one day you will be right!! Last edited by K9F on 12th Mar 2010 11:57am. Edited 1 time in total |
||
12th Mar 2010 8:38am |
|
| K9F Member Since: 12 Nov 2009 Location: Bournemouth Posts: 9610
|
No worries Roel....Good accountants more like.... With your money....
 If you go through life with your head in the sand....all people will see is an ar5e!!
Treat every day as if it is your last....one day you will be right!! |
||
|
12th Mar 2010 10:55am |
|
| discocuzzy Member Since: 16 Jul 2008 Location: surrey Posts: 1200 
|
Malc......dont even start me off!!!!!
Now ill open this by saying i probably shouldnt have got married in the first place and the story is as follows: The night before i got married my best man came round and asked if i fancied a few beers to which i replied "yes mate but i dont want to go to mad as im having brekky with the father in law", "fine" he said "we will just pop to the oak for a few". I walked through the door and was greeting by 40 lads all intent on getting me totally rat arsed! As i have the breaking strain of a kit kat, ive ended up in bar in town with the boys and spotted a fine philly and proceeded to walk over and introduce myself. Cut a long story short ive ended up going home with her the night before my impending marriage and knocked it bandy all around her lounge. Upon leaving her place at silly o clock in the morning, a cop car pulled up next to me driven by a mate who duly gave me a lift home. Over a brew i told him what happened and he was wetting himself and said he would keep quiet at the wedding day. fast forward past the wedding, lovely, bride looked nice, steve  as usuall blah, blah , blah im sat on a beach in monte carlo when my mobile rings, it was Mark, one of the lads in the bar with me the night before the marriage and the phone call went like this....
Steve its Marky, how ya doing great mark, whats up? I need to tell you something.... go on..... That bird you went home with... Yes... i saw her last night and asked for your number as she wants to see you again......i told her that wouldnt be possible this week as your on honey moon, Great....thanks mark!!! Steve thats not your biggest problem... Go...on.... You know Niks goes to the gymn 3 times a week?? Yes.... Shes your wifes aerobics instructor... FFFFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and just to add to your woes, the loval rag comes out tomorrow and your wedding pic is going to be in the marriage section so she will put 2 and 2 together., anyway, give me a bell when your back and we can g for a pint... Thanks Mark for your off the cuff beer invite but i may be bringing my gonads back in a sandwich bag if any of this gets out.. So with this information to hand and knowing that on my return to England i could be found out, a cunning plan was hatched..i would enrol her into a country club where she has always wanted to be a member, job done, no need to go back the gymn this dorris worked at and all would be none the wiser, plus i would earn massive brownie points by providing an "extra special" wedding present 
Fast forward 6 months, im sorting out the shed and making trips to the tip when i see a removal van outside a little 1 bed house 2 doors up from me.....guess who was moving in  ....it all then started to go horribly wrong........To be continued...... You cannot teach stupid people to do clever thingsLast edited by discocuzzy on 12th Mar 2010 3:09pm. Edited 1 time in total |
||
|
12th Mar 2010 12:39pm |
|
| willy eckerslike Member Since: 15 Jun 2009 Location: North yorks Posts: 1789 
|
It' amazing what the partially sighted can do nowadays  Original Member Pie n Pea Club.
110 HCPU Tipper |
||
|
12th Mar 2010 1:26pm |
|
| K9F Member Since: 12 Nov 2009 Location: Bournemouth Posts: 9610
|
Bl00dy hell Disco! Pooing and front doorstep comes to mind... Can't wait for part deux....
 If you go through life with your head in the sand....all people will see is an ar5e!!
Treat every day as if it is your last....one day you will be right!! |
||
|
12th Mar 2010 7:34pm |
|
| MuddyMarky Member Since: 01 Feb 2010 Location: Oxfordshire Posts: 548 
|
At least she'd have been fit! 
Mark
2011 110 XS DC Stornoway Grey |
||
|
12th Mar 2010 9:17pm |
|
| Higgers Member Since: 08 Apr 2009 Location: Cheshire Posts: 666 
|
Steve,
Your my hero!!!!  |
||
|
13th Mar 2010 9:17pm |
|
| TACK Member Since: 26 Apr 2009 Location: Essex Posts: 1045 |
|
||
|
13th Mar 2010 9:30pm |
|
| K9F Member Since: 12 Nov 2009 Location: Bournemouth Posts: 9610
|
This was sat in my Inbox this morning and thought it may be an apt addition to this thread.
Why Are Wedding Dresses White?
Son asked his mother the following question: 'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. 'Dad why are wedding dresses white?' The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.' If you go through life with your head in the sand....all people will see is an ar5e!!
Treat every day as if it is your last....one day you will be right!! |
||
|
15th Mar 2010 10:52am |
|
| fekete Member Since: 24 Dec 2008 Location: Here on the other end of the computer Posts: 3626 
|
Like the one K9......Not to far from the truth
NEVER TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY. NOBODY GETS OUT ALIVE ANYWAY |
||
|
15th Mar 2010 11:01am |
|
| V8Ian Member Since: 16 Mar 2010 Location: brisbane Posts: 54 
|
Obviously Cuz didn't survive. |
||
|
18th Mar 2010 8:09am |
|
|
|
| All times are GMT + 1 Hour |
< Previous Topic | Next Topic > |
Posting Rules
|
Site Copyright © 2006-2024 Futuranet Ltd & Martin Lewis
