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| pathfinder Member Since: 31 Mar 2011 Location: lancaster Posts: 40  
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The wife walks in and says "I'm thinking of getting a coil fitted" and I said "size of your C@*t you can get a carpet fitted!
next day she walks in with a new handbag and says "do you like my new bag it's Gucci and cost £3000"? so I said "your Knickers are coming down" she looked down and said with a puzzled look " no they're not"? so I said " well the bags going back then  One wife Livid! |
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23rd Dec 2011 3:52pm |
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| Lorryman100 Member Since: 01 Oct 2010 Location: Here Posts: 2686 |
Received this text from a mate:
Hi mate, don't want to worry you but I'm texting you from casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball Cleaner is not what I thought it was!!  |
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23rd Dec 2011 5:00pm |
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069 
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EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new defender!' 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!' |
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24th Dec 2011 9:13am |
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069
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Sharing in Marriage...
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered -- (Continue below - This is great) 'THE TEETH.' |
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24th Dec 2011 9:14am |
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| Lorryman100 Member Since: 01 Oct 2010 Location: Here Posts: 2686 |
Two Irish men were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walked by and asked them what they were doing. "We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder," Paddy replied.. The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was 8m. Then, she walked off. "Isn't that like a blonde," Mick said to Paddy "We need the height and she gives us the length." |
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9th Jan 2012 5:07pm |
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069
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Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus” they have designed the “Clitaurus.” It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it – let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has it, though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be ...a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace it each year |
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9th Jan 2012 7:40pm |
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| lrmaniac Member Since: 04 Feb 2010 Location: Lisboa Posts: 762  
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Here in Portugal there is a big rivalry between Land Rover owners and Nissan Patrol owners! The Patrol owners around here tend to be a bit … huuummm….idiots. I personally don't like Nissan very much, but what I don't really like are they're owners!
Don’t know if you have read this before … But here it goes, and excuse me if you read any mistakes, It’s a translation from Portuguese made by me… What’s the similarity between a Nissan Patrol and a white kane ? Only a blind man will buy one! How many time do you waste with a Nissan Patrol at the MOT ? You don’t know. Not a single one got there! Where is located the spare Wheel on a Nissan Patrol? They don’t have it. If a tires goes flat you use the steering wheel Hom many km does a set of tires last on a Nissan Patrol? 150000km. They don’t wear when they’re towed Why don’t you change the engine oil on a Nissan Patrol? Because the first service is only at 20.000km What is a Nissan Patrol on the top of a hill ? A miracle! What are two Nissan Patrol on the top of a hill? Sci Fi And three Nissan Patrol on the top of a hill? A strange place to build a Nissan Patrol factory And a thousand Nissan Patrol on the top of a hill? A junkyard What’s on the last page of a Nissan Patrol owner’s manual? The bus Schedule How many people can you put inside a Nissan Patrol? It depends on the power of the tow truck Why do Nissan Patrol owners recognize imediatly when they meet? Because they’ve met earlier at the workshop How many people are needed to make a Nissan Patrol? Fou. Two fold, and two put the glue. How do you double a Nissan Patrol value? You fill the gas tank How do they get spare parts for a Nissan Patrol? They follow each other and wait for the parts to fall out There was a guy that knew 4x4 like no other. He could recognize any 4x4 just by listening to the engine. One day, his friends decided to test him. The put a blindfold on his eyes and took him to several places to identify the 4x4’s. He got them all right. They were furious and took him to the wc and flushed the toilet, and he immediately said “ It’s a Nissan Patrol!” Regards Joao '10 Land Rover Defender 110 CC '08 BMW F800GS '64 SIIA Forward Control '69 SIIA 109 ZA CKD _____________________________________________ You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Last edited by lrmaniac on 14th Jan 2012 12:06am. Edited 3 times in total |
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13th Jan 2012 11:15pm |
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069
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excellent lrmaniac
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13th Jan 2012 11:48pm |
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| BIGFOG Member Since: 12 Sep 2010 Location: Edenbridge Posts: 537  
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My all time favourite is this...
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?? One makes your whole day, the other makes your hole weak! 2009 XS 110 Utility Stornaway Grey BAS re Remap, BAS Turbo, BAS Spec Modified Airbox, Twisted Side exit Decat Exhaust, Allisport Cooler and Hoses, OME Sport Shocks, Kangaroo Paw Discs. 2001 Discovery II Porsche Speedster Replica 1956ish |
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14th Jan 2012 12:19am |
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| bpman Member Since: 21 May 2008 Location: Oslo Posts: 8069
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here' another "on the edge" .. what's the difference between an egg and a W..K ? -- you can beat an egg  Last edited by bpman on 9th Apr 2012 8:54am. Edited 3 times in total |
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14th Jan 2012 9:01am |
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| pom Member Since: 01 Jun 2010 Location: Worcester Posts: 1343 |
Announcement over the public address system on a train:
"Good afternoon, this is your ticket inspector speaking. In approximately half an hour, I will be coming to inspect your tickets. I would like to ask all the ladies on board to begin their search NOW." |
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14th Jan 2012 11:30am |
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| lrmaniac Member Since: 04 Feb 2010 Location: Lisboa Posts: 762
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It's not actually a joke, but these videos added to my Nissan Patrol jokes post, 3 rows above, makes me smile! A lot !!
&feature=player_embedded &feature=player_embedded#! &feature=player_embedded#! Regards
Joao '10 Land Rover Defender 110 CC '08 BMW F800GS '64 SIIA Forward Control '69 SIIA 109 ZA CKD _____________________________________________ You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. |
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18th Jan 2012 5:44pm |
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| pom Member Since: 01 Jun 2010 Location: Worcester Posts: 1343 |
Wife - "Can I drive?"
Husband - "No. I'm fine" Wife - "Oh, please let me. I really want to!" Husband - "No" Wife - "I tell you what, if you let me drive, just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blowjob" Husband - "Really?" Wife - "Promise" Husband - "Oh go on then"... "And that, your honour, is the final entry from the black box on the Costa Concordia". |
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27th Jan 2012 10:48am |
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| xatzhs Member Since: 12 Dec 2010 Location: Northumberland & Down South Posts: 258 
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To all vegetarians:
If God didn't want us to eat animals... He shouldn't have made them out of food! |
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27th Jan 2012 2:43pm |
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