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| 300TDi CSW Phil Member Since: 03 Apr 2016 Location: Bracknell Posts: 746   
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Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along." If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed, make a doctor's appointment. I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. 1995 300 Tdi Epsom Green - It's a keeper. Wide Track Sankey- In bits- Gone to a new home M0XQS |
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12th Jun 2018 4:44pm |
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| stanley Member Since: 18 Sep 2009 Location: Dorset /hampshire Posts: 1026 
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This guy just started at his new job, working at a sex shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle it. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss’s positive comments he finally agrees.
A few minutes later a white woman walks in and asks, “How much for the white dildo?”
He answers, “£35” White Woman: “How much for the black one?” Guy: “£35for the black one, they are the same price.” She: “I think I’ll take the black one. I’ve never had a black one before.” She pays him, and off she goes. A little while later a black woman comes in and asks “How much for the black dildo?” Guy: “£35.” Black Woman: “How much for the white one?” Guy: “£35”for the white one also, they are the same price.” Black Woman: “Hmmm…I think I’ll take the white one. I’ve never had a white one before…” She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, “How much are your dildos?” Guy: “£35 for the white, £35 for the black.” Blonde: “Hmmm….how much is that tartan one on the shelf?” Guy: “Well, that’s a very special dildo…it’ll cost you £150.” She thinks for a moment and answers, “I’ll take the plaid one, I’ve never had a tartan one before….” She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy’s boss returns and asks, “How did you do while I was gone?” The salesman responded, Guy: “I think I did pretty good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for £150!” |
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12th Jun 2018 9:48pm |
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| stanley Member Since: 18 Sep 2009 Location: Dorset /hampshire Posts: 1026
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Three generations of prostitute sitting at home discusing the current state of their age old profession, the mother sex worker asked her daughter how much she gets from her clients for oral sex?!
"Fifty pounds" replies the daughter. "Fifty quid!!" Exclaimed her mother, "when I was your age I was getting a fiver! Even now I only charge twenty pounds" The recently retired grandmother piped up, " five pounds, twenty pounds, fifty pounds!! You girls don't know you're born, during the war, I was just greatfull to have something warm inside me!!!!" |
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12th Jun 2018 9:48pm |
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| stanley Member Since: 18 Sep 2009 Location: Dorset /hampshire Posts: 1026
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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?” “Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh. “Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.” “That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?” “I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.” “Sensible” says Jeff. “So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.” “And what happened then?” (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) “I kicked her in the face.” |
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12th Jun 2018 9:52pm |
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| stanley Member Since: 18 Sep 2009 Location: Dorset /hampshire Posts: 1026
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A refuse collector , is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.. "No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie' bin?'" "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
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12th Jun 2018 9:56pm |
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| stanley Member Since: 18 Sep 2009 Location: Dorset /hampshire Posts: 1026
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Well, it is not a pretty story.... about 200 dead crows near Halifax, and there was
concern for Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The Province then hired an Ethologist (an animal behaviorist) to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ethologist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out Crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck." |
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12th Jun 2018 9:58pm |
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| Procta Member Since: 04 Dec 2016 Location: Sunderland Posts: 4937
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 Defender TD5 90 ---/--- Peugeot 306 HDI hatch back
Success is 90% Inspiration and 4 minutes Preparation # you can make it! |
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30th Jun 2018 10:02pm |
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| VeeTee Member Since: 06 Mar 2011 Location: Somewhere Posts: 1512 
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 Click image to enlarge Cheers, Vincent 1959 Polynorm 1/4 Ton Trailer, Olive Drab Green (sold) 1970 M416 Military Trailer (Camping Trailer Conversion), Epsom Green (sold) 1975 Series III 88 V6, Light Green (sadly sold) 1996 Defender 110 CSW 300 Tdi, Epsom Green (sold) 2000 Freelander 1 TD4 3-drs, Silver (sold) 2006 Freelander 1 TD4 5-drs Facelift Automatic, Tonga Green (sold) MySite |
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1st Jul 2018 10:00pm |
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| gilarion Member Since: 05 Dec 2013 Location: Wales Posts: 5084  
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The old ones are the best!
I went for a job at LR Today, they said in the interview " Can you make tea?" Yes "Can you drive a forklift truck?" And I replied. How big's the F'Kin teapot... For those who like Welsh Mountains and narrow boats have a look at my videos and photos at.. http://www.youtube.com/user/conwy1 |
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3rd Jul 2018 1:02pm |
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| custom90 Member Since: 21 Jan 2010 Location: South West, England. Posts: 19568
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This made me laugh, especially of interest if your from Yorkshire and up north.
Made me smile really did.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-england-l...resborough Diesel$ Live$ Matter. ⛽️🛢️👨🔧🧰⚙️ RED, WHITE & BOOST! 🇬🇧 |
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4th Jul 2018 2:24pm |
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| Whirly90 Member Since: 01 Sep 2016 Location: Ampshire Posts: 401  
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4th Jul 2018 9:53pm |
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| RoadForce Member Since: 17 Jul 2014 Location: Holland Posts: 324 
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I made the mistake of taking SWMBO out for dinner during her monthly, errhh, well... you know what I mean. It turned into a night of whining and dining... Defender 130 HCPU Td5 MY2000
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10th Jul 2018 10:13am |
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| Slideywindows Member Since: 09 Sep 2016 Location: North Essex Posts: 1283
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Did you hear what happened when a young lady went into a Bar and asked for a "Double Entendre"?
No? The barman gave her one..... |
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10th Jul 2018 11:08am |
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| ian series 1 Member Since: 17 Nov 2014 Location: south Posts: 3127 
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Asking for a friend:
This may be of interest to someone. A friend of mine has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the next England game, He paid £300 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at Spalding Registry Office, at 4pm. The bride's name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Message for more details. 80" 80" 86" 88" 90" Wanted, Forward Control Anything considered. |
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10th Jul 2018 11:52am |
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