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| alantd Member Since: 14 Dec 2008 Location: Northamptonshire Posts: 1513   
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 One that started out as a 2.4 TDCi 110 XS
+ New Defender 110 First Edition |
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17th Feb 2011 3:19pm |
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| Landie Boy Member Since: 15 Jan 2011 Location: Essex Posts: 431 
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17th Feb 2011 3:27pm |
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| Lorryman100 Member Since: 01 Oct 2010 Location: Here Posts: 2686 |
Not quite a car joke, but I would bet money on him driving a BMW
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh....... "Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Five minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Fred replied. She ran out of the room. |
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17th Feb 2011 5:53pm |
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| Lorryman100 Member Since: 01 Oct 2010 Location: Here Posts: 2686 |
A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well to do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch." he said.
"How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes." Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her, along with a $10 tip. "And by the way," the blonde teeny-bopper added, "It's not a Porch; it's a Lexus." |
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17th Feb 2011 6:12pm |
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| Lorryman100 Member Since: 01 Oct 2010 Location: Here Posts: 2686 |
I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what
I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch." Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations "but none of them rub your d*ck and say "well done"? Honestly some folk will take offence at anything....I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?" Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!" My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio. Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its boll*cks!! They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk sh*t and can't drive! Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack? The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once. Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick b*sta*d." A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!" A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy ba*tard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair." |
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17th Feb 2011 6:28pm |
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| party monkey Member Since: 31 Dec 2010 Location: Oxon. Posts: 1311  
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You need to read certain bits of this in Japanese accent.....
Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling, "You sign, you sign!" The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door. The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, "You sign, you sign!" Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods. Mandela loses his temper and yells, "Look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong person." Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks, "Ah soh. You not Nissan Main dealer?" I'll get me coat........ Jon - 110 td5 [sold]. Currently Defenderless. |
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17th Feb 2011 6:38pm |
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| party monkey Member Since: 31 Dec 2010 Location: Oxon. Posts: 1311
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I was sent this one a while back..... Oddly enough.... an excellent reference to LR .... just hoping that it's nobody on this forum
Anger Management > > When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take > it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out > on someone you don't know. > > I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten > to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying > "Hello." I Politely said, "This is Spencer. Could I please speak with > Robert Campbell ?" > > Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*kin number!" > and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone > could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call > him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. > > After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. > When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a C*nt!" and > hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to it, and > put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying > bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a > C*nt!" It always cheered me up. > > When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "C*nt" calling > would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,"Hi, this is John > Smith from BT . I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller > ID Program?" > > He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back > and said, "That's because you're a C*nt!" > > One day I was at Barnstaple Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull > into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off > and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn > and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored > me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. > > A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt (I had his > number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover > C*nt, too. > > I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" > Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. > "Yes, I live at 129 Well Street, in Torrington. It's a terraced house, > and the car's parked right out in front." > > "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. > "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm > currently unemployed." "Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" > "Yes?" "Steve, you're a C*nt!" > > Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when > I had a problem, I had two a**eholes to call. Then one day I came up > with an idea. I called C*nt #1. > > "Hello?" > "You're a C*nt!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he > asked. > "Yeah," I said. > "Stop calling me," he screamed. > "Make me," I said. > "Who are you?" he asked. > "My name is Steve Hansen." > "Yeah? Where do you live?" > "I live at 129 Well Street, Torrington, a terraced house, with my > gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front." > He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start > saying your prayers." > I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, C*nt," and hung up. > > Then I called C*nt #2. "Hello?" he said. > "Hello, C*nt," I said. > He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." > "You'll do what?" said. > "I'll kick your a*se," he exclaimed. > I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." > > Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived > at > 129 Well Street, Torrington , and that I was on my way over there to > kill my lover. Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going > down in Well Street, Torrington . > > I quickly got into my car and headed over to Well Street. I got there > just in time to watch two C*nts beating the cr*p out of each other in > front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew. > > Now I feel MUCH better. > Take it from me, anger management really works... > > Jon - 110 td5 [sold]. Currently Defenderless. |
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17th Feb 2011 6:48pm |
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| daviec1 Member Since: 30 Nov 2010 Location: Ayrshire Posts: 246 
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Party
Excellent 2001 TD5 110 DCPU in Bonatti Grey |
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17th Feb 2011 7:12pm |
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