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| Muddybigdog Member Since: 11 Apr 2014 Location: Suffolk Posts: 991   
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50 of the best jokes and one-liners from the Edinburgh Fringe - according to the "The Scotsman"
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine (2011) “When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.” Yianni (2015) “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” Matt Kirshen (2011) “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” Tom Ward (2015) “One in four frogs is a leap frog.” Chris Turner (2016) “I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.” Alfie Moore (2013) “My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs.” Rhys James (2016) “My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” Phil Wang (2015) “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes (2016) “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” Will Marsh (2012) “I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” Sara Pascoe (2014) “I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.” Jordan Brookes (2016) “You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe (2014) “My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” Mark Watson (2014) “I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson.” Eric Lampaert (2016) “There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.” Nish Kumar (2014) “How do people make new mates? Asking for a friend.” Steve Bugeja (2016) “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” Ria Lina (2014) “One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once.” Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014) “My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.” Nick Hall (2015) “The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” Alun Cochrane (2015) “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” Gary Delaney (2010) “Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” Paul F Taylor (2014) “My father was never sexist, he beat my brothers and I equally.” Njambi McGrath (2016) “If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.” Joel Dommett (2014) “I can’t exercise for long periods. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if I’ve forgotten something.” Pete Otway (2016) “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” Stewart Francis (2012) “I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” Iain Stirling (2014) “Today… I did seven press ups: not in a row.” Daniel Kitson (2012) “People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.” Kai Humphries (2014) “My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.” Paul McCaffrey (2014) “Golf is not just a good walk ruined, it’s also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined.” John Luke-Roberts (2016) “Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. Bad example.” Bridget Christie (2014) “I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times.” Felicity Ward (2016) “I’m single. By choice. Her choice. No it was a mutual thing. We came to the mutual agreement that she would marry her ex boyfriend.” Brett Goldstein (2013) “Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.” Tom Parry (2015) “It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.” Olaf Falafel (2016) “I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.” Paddy Lennox (2009) “The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’.” Andrew Bird (2008) “I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” Jack Whitehall (2009) “Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him” Carey Marx (2008) “Miley Cyrus. You know when she was born? 1992. I’ve got condiments in my cupboard older than that.” Lucy Beaumont (2014) “‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed” Josie Long (2008) “I think if you were hardcore anti-feminism, surely you wouldn’t call yourself ‘anti-feminism’ would you? You’d call yourself ‘Uncle Feminism’.” Jenny Collier (2016) “‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes.’” Damien Slash (2015) “I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” Rob Auton (2013) “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” Nick Helm (2011) “I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket.” Stuart Laws (2016) “I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password.” Rory O’Keeffe (2016) “I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day.” Aatif Nawaz (2016) “People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” Abi Roberts (2016) “I think children are like Marmite. You either love them or you keep them at the back of the cupboard next to the piccalilli.” Abi Roberts (2016) “Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.” Olaf Falafel (2016) “A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy.” Chris Turner (2016) “I bumped into my French teacher the other day who asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.” Adam Hess (2016) “My cat is recovering from a massive stroke.” Darren Walsh (2015) “I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads” Mark Simmons (2015) “Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.” Paul F. Taylor (2016) “Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?” Dan Antolpolski (2009) “I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning ‘Are we then yet?’” Paul F. Taylor (2016) [/b] Jumped ship to reliability - Mitsubishi L200 Puma 90 XS - Sold D3 - 2.7 S x2 (both Sold) Freelander 2 HSE - Sold Freelander 1 - Sold Disco 2 - Sold |
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12th Aug 2017 9:58am |
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| Procta Member Since: 04 Dec 2016 Location: Sunderland Posts: 4937
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An old snake goes to see his Doctor. Doc, I need something for my eyes can't see well these days. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor hes very depressed. Doc says, What's the problem? didn't the glasses help you? The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered Ive been living with a water hose the past 2 years!
nicked from the daily mail  Defender TD5 90 ---/--- Peugeot 306 HDI hatch back
Success is 90% Inspiration and 4 minutes Preparation # you can make it! |
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7th Nov 2017 2:13pm |
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| Merlin Member Since: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Newmarket Posts: 980
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A doctor said to his wife, I've been analysing your performance last night and considering everything I have to say that you're not very good in bed. Later that day he thought he would ring his wife to explain that his view was one of professionalism and thought through as a doctor. The phone rang for a long time and eventually she answered breathless. You were a long time dear, he said, yes she said I was thinking about what you said this morning and I'm am just getting a second opinion.
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14th Nov 2017 1:13pm |
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| Silver Back Member Since: 11 Jun 2015 Location: Lincolnshire Posts: 405 
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Two cows in a field.
The first cow says "Moooo" The second cow replies "I was going to say that!" |
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14th Nov 2017 9:02pm |
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| Grenadier Member Since: 23 Jul 2014 Location: The foot of Mont Blanc... Posts: 5765  
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As reported in the local press last week.
A man from Grenoble woke up in Bonneville McDonald's at 11.30pm after a skinful and with no idea how he made the 140km journey. Feeling a bit peckish he went to the counter and ordered himself a meal. When asked to pay the gentleman realised he didn't have enough cash and said he would be back in a bit and left the restaurant. He proceeded to walk round to the drive thru window and covering his face held up the cashier (not realising she was the same cashier who had just served him). Cash in hand he re-entered the restaurant and paid for his meal. Having realised what was going on the staff delayed the order whilst waiting for Gendarmes to arrive and arrest him before handing over a video with the whole incident caught on CCTV. If you ever need to be arrested, that's the way to do it.  Monsieur Le Grenadier
I've not been everywhere, but it's on my list..... 2011 Puma 110DC - Corris Grey |
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6th Dec 2017 8:51pm |
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| VeeTee Member Since: 06 Mar 2011 Location: Somewhere Posts: 1512 
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 Click image to enlarge Cheers, Vincent 1959 Polynorm 1/4 Ton Trailer, Olive Drab Green (sold) 1970 M416 Military Trailer (Camping Trailer Conversion), Epsom Green (sold) 1975 Series III 88 V6, Light Green (sadly sold) 1996 Defender 110 CSW 300 Tdi, Epsom Green (sold) 2000 Freelander 1 TD4 3-drs, Silver (sold) 2006 Freelander 1 TD4 5-drs Facelift Automatic, Tonga Green (sold) MySite |
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7th Dec 2017 12:51pm |
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| DAZ110 Member Since: 06 Dec 2007 Location: East Sussex Posts: 2003 
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That seems perfectly logical to me.
 
Go on, buy the Defender, you know you want to! |
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7th Dec 2017 4:39pm |
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| blackwolf Member Since: 03 Nov 2009 Location: South West England Posts: 16870 
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Brilliant, the best laugh I have had all week!
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7th Dec 2017 5:58pm |
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| ian series 1 Member Since: 17 Nov 2014 Location: south Posts: 3127 
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A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Plod are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks, One thing lead to another and I had a few too many pints and then went onto the brandy, Not a good idea! Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a taxi home, Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests, Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past, I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from... #dontdrinkanddrive 80" 80" 86" 88" 90" Wanted, Forward Control Anything considered. |
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19th Dec 2017 2:20pm |
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| GREENI Member Since: 22 Aug 2010 Location: staffs Posts: 10359
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One snowman to the other: "Can you smell carrots?" |
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19th Dec 2017 2:24pm |
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| gilarion Member Since: 05 Dec 2013 Location: Wales Posts: 5084  
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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society". After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch" For those who like Welsh Mountains and narrow boats have a look at my videos and photos at.. http://www.youtube.com/user/conwy1 |
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28th Dec 2017 7:39pm |
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| Lou Sparts Member Since: 15 Apr 2012 Location: Kent Posts: 1501
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Best of the Christmas cracker jokes to date.
Two goldfish in a tank One says to the other, you got any idea how to drive this thing ! 2005 Td5 90 XS Steve |
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28th Dec 2017 7:49pm |
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| Laurie Member Since: 22 Feb 2008 Location: Sussex, England Posts: 2897  
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There is no such thing as a 'best' cracker joke, just a 'least worse'.
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28th Dec 2017 8:13pm |
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| Lou Sparts Member Since: 15 Apr 2012 Location: Kent Posts: 1501
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I use the term “best” loosely, it was the only one that made me laugh ! Probably had a bit too much to drink by then. 2005 Td5 90 XS
Steve |
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28th Dec 2017 8:36pm |
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